It was a sunny afternoon and I had a baseball game. We were 2 more games till the championship. I was very nervous for my game because I didn't want to lose At all or done for this season. As I got my clothes on and cleats on I was thinking If I would ever be proud of myself for wining a game for the team.
As I pulled out of the car I felt confident. When I got to the baseball field we started to stretch. Then we ran a couple of laps. As our team battled against Every single run we made I would have butterflies in my stomach. As the bottom of the 6th came it was our turn and our team was down by three. I thought this game was over. I had just batted so couldn't bat and help the team out. I was banging my head against the fence with my back turning to the game .When I heard the crowd cheering. So as I looked back I couldn't believe my eyes we had tied the game! After we tied the game we went to extra innings. So we tried our best to make sure that the other team did not score at all.
Then it was three outs and my heart started to be like crazy when I got to the dugout. Then I thought to my self and whispered today I might be proud of my self. I put my batting gloves on and I noticed it was my turn to bat. Bases loaded , two outs. I was so nervous I closed my eyes and didn't swing at the first perfect pitch that went right down the middle. I thought that I was gonna strike out because I was so nervous. After five pitches it was full count! I could see the sweat dropping down hes wet red cherry face. Then he threw a fastball and I closed my eyes swung and I had hit it to the out field and it bounced of the fence and we scored and We Won The Game!!! Then my couches picked me up and screamed Victory!! That night I got to see star wars three. That night I felt proud and exuberant.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Rough Draft # 2
Posted by Connors 8th grade humanites blog at 1:15 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
One of the strongest pieces in your memoir was: Every run we made me doubt that the other team would win. As the bottom of the 6th came it was our turn and our team was down by three.
The content in your blog is that you were tied and there were two outs and the bases loaded and you hit the ball to the out field with the bases loaded and you won the game.
The style of your memoir is serious because it is a important event in his life and the game was important to him.
The tone of the blog kind of sounded like him talking to himself because he wrote the word I a lot in his writing.
If this was my writing I would be proud that I had worded the end of the game because the end is a hard picture to paint in others mind and I did that very well.
I think that I would have to work on my spelling and my grammar because some parts don't make sense.
You should use the Flash back technique like your lying in bed and you think back and thats how the story begins. also you should slow down the hot spot because when you hit the ball it is kind of blank you should say like how your hands tingled because I hit the ball so hard. You should also add gesture because when you put your batting gloves on how do you know that you are up to bat you should have like your couch tell you conner your up.
I would think about using the flashback technique or setting the mood. I would expand on your focal point because right now there isn't one. Add a lot more detail because it sounds like a list. Anyway the content is alright and I liked your memoir.
you do a great job of telling your story. is there a way you can "show" it? take another look at the crafts i have taught on my blog. i be if you use some of those it will increase the quality of this piece. your memoir is great, you just need to tell it better.
Post a Comment